I cannot express my appreciation towards everyone that has taken the time to read about my family and spent moments out of your day to send gracious words of encouragement. I have read every comment to date, so April #403, I promise I found time to read your words. It's never easy to hear of other women's struggles and pain, but to be reminded that I'm not the only one who has ever had deep feelings of guilt, shame and/or fear and prevailed makes one feel not so alone and even stronger. Thank you so much for all of your prayers, they are being heard and answered everyday.
I have to remind myself and Jason often that even on days when we feel like we're not getting anywhere, we accomplish a lot just by being still. On days that seem so unproductive because we are starting completely over and facing the all the hard issues we never addressed before, it's just the little things that need recognition. Today we were married, today our daughters were with both of their parents, today was one more day of sobriety, today we prayed together. Thank you Lord for today.
I am getting a second chance at much more than my marriage. I live in a house that is not my own, I eat food that I did not buy, and sleep in a bed that is not my own. How ironic it is that I am in such a vulnerable, fragile state and yet finally being taken care of and loved so well. The words father, dad, or daddy prior to my love story triggered feelings of sadness, pain and defensiveness. At times, I feel like a little girl speaking to her father with delight, thankful for beautiful day she had with him when I pray. God has placed me in a position where I can gain trust, where I am safe, dangling my feet and twirling my hair as sit with him and speak adoringly and freely without fear or rejection.
He is so attentive with our needs and provides at every time of great need. At night he sweetly kisses away all of my any of my worries or fears as I seek his word in scripture, and I sleep peacefully. I am safe, I am protected, I am guided, I am growing, and I am loved by my Father, my Abba. Like a child quieting down after a blind tantrum, my sobs have subsided, I shutter, and blink back my tears through a mantle of wet lashes and smile with joy as God harvests his fruit in me and my family.
I'd love to get connected and with anyone who needs a prayer or just wants to talk, feel free to email me!
Here are some pictures to smile about!
We LOVE flowers!!!
Savannah, looking every bit as sweet as she really is.
Savannah drew this picture a few nights ago and it touched all of our hearts. From left to right it's Madelynn (with fuzzy hair if you look closely), Savannah, Me (with a green hat) Jason, Abby, Angie, Ellie, Todd, and Kate.